Egpytian Ratscrew
A group of freshmen have the high school to themselves. It’s a Friday evening during the football game and since no one was around in the library, it’s basically theirs.
A kid scurries to the door, opens it (with stealth), and scans the area. Nothing but free tables.
“Coast is clear,” he grins. The kid has the largest front two teeth you’ll ever see. And a bowl cut, too. He has on baggy jeans and a weird printed tee shirt of a sheep eating a wolf. He’s a senior but you could never tell it. They call him Buckteeth.
The second kid walks in slowly, sucking on a lollipop. Buckteeth grins wild as he holds the door for her. She’s got on overalls scuffed with green and pink paint. She has her hair in pigtail buns and wears these obnoxious gold hoop earrings she stole from her aunt. They call her Hoops.
She stops midway through the door. Hoops takes out the lollipop just to scoff at Buckteeth.
“What?” he asks.
“There’s literally nobody watching us,” she says.
“There might be cameras… the government is always watching.”
“Man you are so full of shit,” says the third kid. He walks past, towering over the two of them. He wears a track hoodie and long Adidas sweatpants. . He’s got dark skin, cornrows, and looks like he’d rather not put up with Buckteeth’s shenanigans today—or ever, really. They call him Blondie. He dyed his hair blonde once in middle school and the other two never let him hear the end of it.
There’s another kid who brings up the rear. An androgynous kid with a thin face and a thinner frame. They wear a striped shirt with cargo pants. Even though the group found their location this one kid still looks a little lost. Their name is Avery—that’s their real name. The kid hadn’t earned a nickname yet. Only outsiders are called their real names.
They all find a table towards the end of the room near a lamp. The lighting is dramatic and mysterious, Buckteeth thinks. It’s like all those true crime interrogation rooms he’d seen on YouTube. Buckteeth gets in his chair after his guests are seated and, having finally trapped them, pulls out a box.
“Ooooh,” Hoops says, all excited. “Are those cigarettes?”
“You dumbass,” Blondie scoffs. “We’ll set off the smoke detectors.” Avery starts to think they’re in the wrong crowd.
“First off, you’re a pussy,” Buckteeth replies. “Second off, this is a deck of cards you fuckin’ junkies.” He slams the deck of cards on the table.
“What do you guys know about a game called ‘Egyptian Ratscrew?’”
“Is that the game where you slap the deck,” asks Hoops.
“Yup!”
“Oh I know it. At my house we call it ‘Rat Slap.’ Where’d you get the ‘Egyptian’ part from? And the ‘screw.’”
“It was made by the Pharaohs to, uhhh, ‘screw’ with their underlings,” he snickers, taking out the cards. No one buys it.
“Sure, let’s play,” says Hoops. Avery shrugs in acceptance. Avery wants to fit in, what other choice is there?
“This game’s corny,” says Blondie, halfway
“What are you… fuckin’ scared or something?” asks Buckteeth. Blondie leans in. Buckteeth smiles and starts dealing cards.
“Wait,” Avery interjects. “What are the rules?”
“Ahhh,” Buckteeth waves them off. “You’ll pick it up. If you have a brain!”
Buckteeth divides the deck into four piles for each player. Avery watches to their left and right. Blondie and Hoops aren’t looking at the cards. Instead they’re just holding the deck in their hands, slightly leaning in. Avery imitates them.
Hoops starts by flipping a card and putting it in the middle.
The four of diamonds.
Avery glances at Buckteeth to see what he’ll do.
Buckteeth flips the six of spades.
Nothing happens.
Blondie’s turn.
He flips the ten of diamonds.
Nothing happens. Fortunately for Avery, they have noticed each player flip the top card over without looking at it. So Avery does the same.
They flip the Queen of Clubs.
“Aw, what?” Hoops groans. She flips over a two of… she puts down another card so fast that Avery didn’t see the suit in time. Either a club or a spade.
Two of clubs and three of hearts.
“Wow, Avery,” Hoops smiles. “You’re a pro.” They are?
“They’re yours now,” says Blondie. “You put them into the bottom of your deck.” Referring to the cards in the pile. Avery anxiously puts the cards back into their deck.
“Pfft,” scoffs Buckteeth. “It’s just fluff.” Avery doesn’t understand what’s going on at all. They want to know more but are too shy to ask. Despite all that, Avery might actually be winning.
Avery finally grabs all the cards and puts it all into their deck. Things are quiet. They look around. The other three aren’t moving.
“You go,” says Hoops. Avery scrambles to flip a card.
The eight of clubs.
Hoops flips another card.
The seven of spades.
Buckteeth replies quickly.
Three of clubs.
Blondie matches the tempo.
King of clubs.
Avery squints. They still aren’t sure what’s going on; it’s like they’re in a laboratory mixing vials of chemicals that could react at any moment. A face card must mean some reaction. Avery flips the first card.
Nine of hearts.
They look around at everyone. They don’t look at him but they’re waiting on Avery.
“You keep going,” Hoops clarifies. She and the other two appear to raise their hands a little, waiting for something. Avery flips another card.
Two of spades.
Avery looks around. The others look like they’re about to slap the table. They flip the next card in his deck.
Eight of diamonds.
Buckteeth and Hoops’ hands each relax. Blondie scoops up the pile. Avery is pretty sure they lost, but they’re mostly glad nothing exploded.
“Beginner’s luck ran out, I guess,” teases Buckteeth. Was it luck? Avery wonders. Blondie flips the next card.
Five of clubs.
Avery starts to get it now. The goal is to get the most cards. And whoever takes the deck goes next. And, once you play a face card, you get the deck, or something like that. Avery gets confused again. I said that they are only starting to get it. Avery flips over the next card.
Five of spades.
BAM!
Buckteeth slaps the table. Avery’s heart nearly jumped out of their chest.
“Hahahaha!” he laughs, grabbing the cards for himself. Avery is perplexed.
“It’s just fluff, right?” Hoops teases.
“Shadddup!”
Avery’s sense of justice compels them to argue with Buckteeth but nobody else objects. That business with slapping must be a part of this wacky game, Avery thinks. But why?
Now Buckteeth starts up and flips a card.
Six of hearts.
Blondie goes.
Eight of spades.
Avery flips their next card, still a little slower than the rest.
Seven of hearts.
Hoops flips the next card without a moment wasted.
Two of diamonds
Buckteeth follows.
Queen of hearts.
“Ha!” he chuckles at Blondie. “Beat that.” Avery realizes Queens must be good. Blondie flips two cards:
Four of spades.
Jack of diamonds.
“What the?!” shouts Buckteeth.
“Wow, lucky,” says Hoops, turning to Avery. They flip a card.
Six of clubs.
Blondie takes the pile after just one card played. Avery realizes that Jacks are better.
“Avery!” snaps Buckteeth. “You sold!” Buckteeth appears to blame Avery. Was it or was it not luck? Blondie flips.
Ace of Clubs
Avery figures they have to put down cards, but isn’t sure how many. So they just start flipping.
Nine of diamonds.
Ten of spades.
Queen of spades.
Avery goes to play the next card but Hoops stops them.
“No no. Now I go.” She flips over two cards.
Nine of spades.
King of spades.
“Phew,” says Hoops. Buckteeth has to flip cards now.
Three of spades.
Five of diamonds.
Jack of hearts.
“Yes!” he shouts. “No way you fuckin’ get this one.” Blondie flips a card.
Ten of hearts.
“Got ‘em,” says Buckteeth, grabbing the large pile. Avery is amazed at how fast Buckteeth and the others swipe up the cards and keep playing. Buckteeth flips
Six of diamonds
Blondie flips.
Ace of diamonds
Avery remembers from earlier that an Ace means they need to flip four cards. Their deck is thinning.
Eight of hearts
Nine of clubs
Three of diamonds
Four of diamonds
“Bad luck, I guess,” shrugs Blondie, taking the pile. Avery feels his deck thin to five cards. Then Blondie flips another card.
King of diamonds
Avery flips.
Six of spades.
Ten of hearts.
Queen of clubs.
The table lets out an “ooooh.” Avery’s out of jail, for now. They understand this much: if a person flips an Ace, the next person has to flip four. On a King, three cards; on a Queen, two cards; on a Jack, only one. So that next person has to play a face card or else the other player gets the deck.
Hoops flips her next card.
Queen of diamonds
BAM!
Buckteeth slaps the pile again before anyone can react. The other two groan as Avery holds their chest. They still don’t understand the slapping part.
“HehehehHAW!” he laughs. “Gimme that.” Avery watches as Buckteeth swallows the pile whole. And just as Avery was starting to understand, too. They wonder if a player can slap the deck whenever they want.
Buckteeth restarts the game
Ten of clubs.
Blondie goes next.
Ace of spades
Avery knows Aces mean flipping four cards. They only have two left in their deck.
“What if I don’t have enough?” Avery asks the table.
“Then you lose,” Buckteeth says, delivering the sentence. Avery doesn’t enjoy this game very much, but come on, they can’t lose this early. They say a quick prayer for a face card and flip the next two cards.
Two of clubs
Three of hearts
Nada. Avery is out.
“Sorry,” says Blondie. “That’s unlucky.”
“Yeah, not much you can do about it,” she shrugs.
“Sure he could have!” shouts Buckteeth. Hoops glares at him. “Or she, or they, I dunno… you can call it luck, reflexes, fuckin’ whatever. If you chalk it up to just one thing you’ll never win!” Then he focuses back on the game.
Avery was mostly offended by Buckteeth, but something stirred in them. The last cards Avery played had looked oddly familiar.
Hoops plays the next two cards to pay off Avery’s “debt” on the Ace.
Seven of clubs
Four of clubs
Blondie takes the cards, then flips his top card
Two of hearts
Avery’s out so it’s Hoops’ turn.
Ace of hearts
Buckteeth responds
King of hearts
Blondie goes next.
Jack of spades.
“What?!” exclaim Hoops and Buckteeth. Blondie’s luck has been great. Hoops flips a card.
Five of hearts
Blondie takes the pile into his growing deck, while Hoops is down to one card. Blondie flips the next card.
Eight of clubs
Hoops has to play her last card.
Seven of diamonds
“Damnit,” she leans back.
“Well that was fast,” snickers Buckteeth. “Guess it’s just you n me, Blond boy.”
“That was two years ago, man.”
“And it was fuckin’ hilarious.” Buckteeth wields the fword like the first caveman who picked up a stick. Blondie shakes his head in disgust. They continue the game.
Buckteeth flips:
Four of hearts
Blondie replies
Seven of spades
BAM!
Buckteeth slaps the pile.
“The hell?” Blondie is confused.
“Sandwich, dumbass,” Buckteeth says, gently showing how the four are surrounded by a pair of sevens. He rolls his eyes and they continue. Avery is starting to understand the rules now.
Buckteeth flips.
Jack of clubs.
Blondie flips.
Three of clubs.
Buckteeth takes, then flips.
Five of clubs
Blondie flips
King of clubs.
Buckteeth flips
Five of spades
BAM!
Buckteeth slaps again. A sandwich of fives. He takes then flips.
Ace of clubs
Blondie needs a face card here.
Nine of hearts
Two of spades
Eight of diamonds
Six of hearts
No answer. Buckteeth, beaming like a beaver, takes the pile. They start to ramp up the pace even faster. Avery can barely keep up. Buckteeth starts
Nine of diamonds
Eight of spades
Ten of spades
Seven of hearts
Queen of hearts
Two of diamonds
Queen of hearts
BAM!
But this time it’s not Buckteeth who slaps the table. It’s not even Blondie.
“Back from the dead,” Hoops chuckles, grabbing the pile.
“You can do that?” thinks Avery. By now they’d seen all the rules, surely. Hoops flips.
Nine of diamonds
Buckteeth replies
Nine of spades
BAM! Buckteeth reclaims the imaginary “slap” throne. He takes the two cards and restarts the game.
King of Spades
Blondie goes next.
Four of spades, jack of diamonds.
Hoops next
Eight of spades.
Blondie takes and then flips. The three move rapidly.
Six of clubs
Ten of spades
Three of spades
Six of diamonds
Seven of hearts
Five of hearts
Ace of diamonds
Queen of spades
Jack of hearts
Eight of hearts
Buckteeth scoops up the large pile.
“My queen…” she groans. Both Buckteeth’s smile and pile grow as he restarts:
Ten of hearts
Nine of clubs
Two of diamonds
King of diamonds
Three of diamonds, four of diamonds, ten of clubs.
Blondie can’t find a face card, allowing Buckteeth to remain supreme. Avery definitively knows that last win was complete luck. None of the players can reorganize their deck to win. Avery is determined to figure out the secret to victory. They notice Hoops has only one card left. Buckteeth restarts:
Six of spades
Ace of spades
Queen of hearts
Hoops just played her last card, but Buckteeth needs to reply to that Queen.
Ten of hearts, Queen of clubs
BAM!
Buckteeth with his fastest slap yet. Hoops is out again.
“Now stay dead!” Buckteeth taunts her.
Buckteeth restarts
Queen of diamonds
Two of clubs, three of hearts
Buckteeth wins again. He restarts again
Eight of clubs
Seven of clubs
Seven of diamonds
BAM! Buckteeth swipes the three card pile. No matter how small, each victory makes him grin. Blondie, meanwhile, leans back into his chair. He’s bored.
Four of hearts
Four of clubs
BAM! Buckteeth smiles at Blondie.
“You’re really shit at this game, y’know,” he says, taking the pile and flipping the next card
Seven of spades.
“Your voice is so annoying, man,” Blondie replies.
Two of hearts
“Say what you want…”
Jack of clubs
“…I’m just better than you.” Blondie pauses for a moment and then leans in.
“Alright, dickhead…”
Ace of hearts.
“Let’s play.” It was on before, but now it’s triple on. Hoops was starting to lose interest but this looks too fun to miss. Buckteeth replies
Three of clubs, Five of clubs, King of clubs.
King of hearts
BAM!
Blondie’s hand appears under Buckteeth’s. They both saw it, Blondie was only faster. Perhaps that’s the true secret: lightning fast reflexes. Blondie restarts
Jack of spades
Five of spades
Buckteeth takes his cards while Buckteeth shrugs
“Fluff,” he says. “Who fuckin’ cares?” Avery takes “fluff” to mean non face cards. Blondie restarts
Five of hearts
Ace of clubs
King of spades
Nine of hearts, two of spades, eight of diamonds
Blondie scoops up his winnings. Buckteeth’s smile begins to weaken. Nine, two, eight, that’s a familiar pattern. Blondie restarts
Four of spades
Six of hearts
Jack of diamonds
Nine of diamonds
“Still fluff,” Buckteeth remarks, coping. Blondie restarts for the fourth time in a row.
Eight of spades
Nine of spades
Seven of spades
Six of clubs
Two of hearts
Ten of spades
Three of spades
Jack of clubs
Six of diamonds
“Mega fluff,” he replies.
“Yup,” Blondie admits, taking his cards all the same. A smile begins to grow on his face. Blondie restarts
Ace of hearts
Seven of hearts, five of diamonds, Ace of diamonds
BAM!
Buckteeth slaps the pile. He tries to take the cards but Blondie blocks him.
“The Ace was on the bottom, stoopid,” he explains. Buckteeth was so certain he’d seen a sandwich of Aces.
“You would try and get a double decker sandwich,” mocks Blondie. “Fat fuck.”
“Shut the fuck up!” Buckteeth nearly jumps across the table. The two try and shove their hands in each other’s faces.
“Guys!” shouts Hoops. “Ladies, relax.” Buckteeth groans and puts the pile back in place. Blondie’s turn, responding to the Ace:
Three of clubs, five of clubs, King of clubs
Queen of spades
King of hearts.
BAM!
But it wasn’t Buckteeth or Blondie or Hoops. Hidden under Buckteeth and Blondie’s hands, hidden in the tall grass, lurked a snake. And they had just learned how to hunt. Avery takes their cards. The table is stunned for a moment.
“Alright, Avery!” cheers Hoops. As she claps her hands, Blondie and Buckteeth remain silent. Avery flips the next card:
Ace of Hearts
Buckteeth continues to pause. Five minutes ago this new kid didn’t seem to understand what was going on. Buckteeth finally plays his next card.
Jack of hearts.
Blondie is equally confused, but doesn’t think too much of it.
Jack of spades
BAM!
Two jacks! Stolen with an Ace to spare. And guess who? Underneath the other boy’s hands was the same, bony hand that bested them last round.
“Shit!” shouts Buckteeth.
“No way…” murmurs Blondie. The kings of the court are shaken. How could Avery know?
Well, Avery learned the secret. They know their deck. They know Buckteeth’s deck. They know Blondie’s deck. Avery has been watching. They restart again:
Seven of hearts
Eight of hearts
Five of spades
Five of diamonds
BAM!
Buckteeth slaps right before Blondie. As he takes his cards, he notices that Avery didn’t even try to slap.
“Haha… you lost your touch there, Avery?”
“It’s just fluff,” they reply. Avery stares at the center of the board, not even blinking.
Buckteeth is spooked. He watches Avery closely as he flips the next card.
Ten of hearts
As Blondie goes to play, Avery mouths the word five.
Five of hearts.
Avery continues while Buckteeth’s eyes go wide.
Ace of diamonds.
Buckteeth replies:
Nine of clubs, two of diamonds, king of diamonds
Blondie replies:
Ace of clubs
Avery replies:
Three of clubs, five of clubs, King of clubs
“I win again,” says Avery. The round isn’t over and they’re calling it.
Three of diamonds, four of diamonds, ten of clubs
Avery scoops up their cards. Buckteeth’s jaw is open.
“They’re fuckin’… they’re fuckin’ cheating!” points Buckteeth.
“Nah, man this is witchcraft,” says Blondie. They both continue, trying to convince themselves of an irrational rationale, of some intangible reason about why Avery was winning. More importantly, the two boys shifted blame off themselves. Avery restarts again.
Queen of spades
Six of spades, ace of spades
King of spades
King of hearts
BAM!
Avery again. They bring home another pile of face cards. Even the cool headed Blondie has to ask:
“Okay what gives? Have you played before or something?”
“I have a photographic memory,” they reply.
“So, kinda witchcraft then,” shrugs Hoops. She leans back, not wanting a part in any dark magic shenanigans. After a pause, Avery flips over the next card to restart.
Ace of hearts
Queen of hearts
Nine of hearts
Two of spades
“HA!” shrieks Buckteeth. “I win!” He flips over the next card, wanting to keep going.
Ten of diamonds
Eight of diamonds
Jack of hearts
Queen of clubs
Four of spades, six of hearts
Buckteeth wins again.
“That’s twice!” Buckteeth taunts. “You’re a fuckin’ fraud!”
“What?” Avery replies. “I’m not God.” Then they return to staring at the table. Buckteeth is left speechless. He then restarts the game:
Queen of diamonds
Jack of diamonds
Jack of spades
BAM!
Two jacks again! And a queen! This was even more impressive than last time. Avery scoops the pile back. Blondie leans back in his chair.
“Holy shit,” he says.
“You’re nuts, dude,” says Hoops. Meanwhile, Buckteeth is frozen. His whole world just burst apart before his eyes. The game isn’t even over, but Buckteeth feels like he’s already lost to Avery. Here’s a kid even more unathletic than himself and far less experienced than him. Buckteeth believed that this was Avery’s first time playing and that he was witnessing a genius. And not an impossible deity who wields luck like a weapon. Just a machine of sheer focus.
“Jacks…” he mumbles. “Two jacks…no…” Blondie and Hoops turn to him, confused. Even Avery looks up.
“Jacks, but with an ‘x’ like ‘Jax,’ y’know? Maybe not…” Hoops start to catch on.
“I know! Crazy Avery!” she suggests.
“That’s not bad,” adds Blondie. “How about ‘the Pharoah’?”
“That’s sick!” says Buckteeth.
“Well we can’t call them that,” Hoops mentions. “Especially not in class.”
“But you guys call me Buckteeth.”
“Shut up, Buckteeth.”
“He’s right though. It’s gotta be something to do with the Jacks.”
“Yeah, that was two Jacks. Twice.”
“Like, instead of Tupac, we say ‘Tujack’. Or maybe just fuckin’ ‘Jack’?”
“TJ?” Avery suggests. The three turn to them. For a moment that lamp lit library seems a little brighter.
“No!” they shout in unison. Avery is confused again. They all start shouting:
“You don’t get to pick your name.”
“Yeah don’t get a big head cuz you won a card game.”
“Man the fuckin’ balls on you… or whatever shit you got goin’ on down there. Anyway, we fuckin’ name you that’s how this works.”
Even though Buckteeth, Hoops, and Blondie are yelling at them, Avery smiles.